


Necessary Sacrifices

by getclever



Series: Staying In The Light [1]
Category: Superman (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Superlex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 20:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18213377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getclever/pseuds/getclever
Summary: Lex has been wearing the shield on his chest for seven months. Metropolis has been attacked, and Lex is on the scene helping civilians as he sees for the first time the kind of destruction that he'd caused as a villain.





	Necessary Sacrifices

**Author's Note:**

> General CW for abuse, ptsd.
> 
> I'm hoping to make a whole series exploring various aspects of Lex staying a member of the League (the Totality is a terrible plot, fight me) and how it will affect events. Critique is more than welcome, as are compliments. (also if anyone wants to beta & help me with grammar, grammar is not my strong suit at all so help is much appreciated.)
> 
> come talk to me on kalcl.tumblr.com !

It was chaos. An attack directly on Metropolis with Lex in the center of it. But for once, he was not the cause. He wore the shield now. On the side of the angels. But there is always someone to try and shift the status quo back to where it belongs. Where one villain redeems, another tries to become the new Luthor. An attempt at claiming the title of top villain that made all of Metropolis' criminals quake. More daring, more destructive. A war between criminals to see who came out on top.

With civilians caught in the crossfire. Lex was first on the scene, building collapsing and people screaming-- smoke, dust, explosions and gunfire. He made a frantic call to the League as he flew to catch some of the rubble. His city was being destroyed. His city's people were suffering. Did he stop the source, or protect the civilians? He couldn't do it alone, damnit! But for now, he was the only one present. There was a panicked crowd and he went to corral them to safety.

The League finally showed up, hardly breaking stride as they all jumped in to their tasks. Superman taking out the villain, the rest working on protecting civilians. This was so different from helping Wonder Woman provide aid or helping a sinking ship with Arthur. These were his people, his city. They were screaming and crying and bleeding and there was only so much he could do to help. It was overwhelming. The guilt and suffocating feeling of uselessness both mingling together. But he was Luthor, he'd taught himself how to hide his emotions. To focus on one thing at a time.

Necessary sacrifices. That's what he'd called them, ages ago. For the good of all of humanity. A few would suffer and die for the sake of people rising up against Superman. But here was a product of that mindset. People screaming and dying. He hadn't been on the ground before. Always looking in his tower. Distantly knowing that people were suffering, but only as an abstract concept. Here he saw it, saw the chaos. Family screaming for each other. Bodies that weren't moving. People that were almost moving, life slowly leaving their eyes.

For each one he saved, a few more would suffer. It was triage. It was hell. Even with a team, they could only do so much. Better than doing nothing but still not enough.

And they had done this against him, once. No, more than once. The times he had put his jealousy and his schemes before his professed love for the good of the city. The numbers he had so coldly heard Mercy read him as he relished in some plan working perfectly. Those numbers had faces and blood and broken bones and family.

* * *

 

His suit was stained in blood and dust and ashes by the time they had stopped the destruction and the destroyer. He was in the medbay in the Watchtower. The lights overhead were harsh and bright. Superman was recovering under solar lamps, Bruce not-so-calmly saying that Luthor was not to be allowed near.

Not that Lex could move if he wanted to. His suit was still on. A single press of a button to take it off but it felt heavy and impossible. A child of abuse, he knew the signs of shock and dissociation. He was having all of them. Feeling as if he was floating and watching the scene from ten feet away. Skin cold and clammy. Everything swimming and foggy and slow. Knowing was not the same as being able to free yourself from it's grip. Knees refused to bend, to let him sit down or lean against anything. Memories of Lionel throwing things, the little boy simply frozen as an assault left him falling like a ragdoll, tossed around the room.

He saw himself crumpled in a corner. He saw a child from hours earlier curled up in a tight ball with rubble almost crushing him. Lex had gotten to him in time, but how many had he not managed to save? Distantly, the life support in his suit started blinking at him. Yelling that his breathing and pulse were irregular. _You idiotic machine._

He tried to push it away, to think of anything else. Just enough to get the suit off so he could stop looking at the blood. He was a Luthor. The master of shuttering emotions away. But this was all-encompassing. It refused to be stuffed behind some wall and forgotten. So strange, because he could learn from it yet it was traumatic. Something in his morality was shifting, pushing him further towards the light. But in seeing more light, he could feel his emotional walls falling away. There had to be a balance struck somewhere, right?

“Luthor.” A hand on his shoulder broke him from his thoughts. Batman stood there, his expression unreadable as always. They were teammates, but Bruce still refused to fully trust Lex. Understandable, he was a monster-- look at all the suffering that he'd caused! “ _Luthor_.” Black-gloved fingers snapped in his face. “Where are you right now?” The man asked, his voice more comforting than Lex was used to from Batman.

Lex's face curled into an angry sneer, looking hurt and ready to lash out if Bruce wasn't careful. “The medbay in the Watchtower.” His lip twitched, eyes still unfocused.

Bruce sighed, staring Lex down. “You're not. Where is your mind?” He was getting psychoanalyzed by goddamn Batman. Lex chuckled bitterly. “That's better.” At least the vigilante's voice didn't sound like he was talking to a scared child anymore.

Worst part was, Bruce was right. He _was_ a scared child again. Weak and lost and, god he'd hurt so many people in his rampages hadn't he? He was still vaguely floating in the distance, but only five feet away instead of ten. Better. He grit his teeth, trying to pull himself together. “He stole my old earthquake machines, didn't he? Should have... destroyed my weapons.” A shrug-- finally, he could move under his own power. He laughed again, but it came out less bitter and more strained, aching.

“We will always fail in some way, Luthor. We will always fail to save someone. But we keep going so we can save the next ones.” Bruce moved his hand out of Lex's tunnel vision and put a stool in front of him. A hard press on his shoulder helped him sit down.

“Those were my machines. Even if they weren't, I've caused that level of destruction and worse.” _In the past,_ he wanted to add. But it felt hollow, since it wasn't even that long ago. Months at best. “I told myself I was a hero. I told myself it was fine if a few died to help humanity. A noble cause worth dying for. I made the choice for them. I had to do it again today. But I saw my impacts directly.” He looked at his hands. “I had to look into their faces and decide who to save.”

Bruce was quiet for a moment. He pulled his cowl off and ran a hand through his hair. It didn't matter, Luthor knew who he was anyway. “We're human, next to all these gods and heroes. I feel weak, I feel powerless. But I fight through it. I let it fuel me, that fear that I might not be good enough. I have to make myself good enough. Strong enough to keep up. To prove myself. And it stops being fear. It turns into a path.”

Lex nodded. Were he a lesser man, he would cry. He would be short of breath and weak and pitiful. But he simply did his best to push it away. He reached for his wrist, pushing the button to teleport his suit to it's case. The blood and ash were gone. But it was still weighing on him, dragging him down. His heart was racing. A tightness in his chest that felt like a sob, something long-forgotten since his childhood. Carefully dissected out of him with so many other feelings as he clawed his way to the top of the business world and then the criminal ranks. He'd grown cold, to preserve his sanity and to help aid in his endeavors. “So many lives have been destroyed because I--”

“Stop wallowing in your guilt, goddamnit.” Bruce shook him. “You were a horrible, terrible person. You killed countless people. Your name still sends children running scared. Man up and fix your mistakes. Help the team. That's how you can be forgiven. By working at it. Fight harder to save more next time.” The words were harsh, a lecture but not angry. Comforting, almost.

It worked, that was the thing. They were both stubborn as hell. The lecture got through to him where Superman's tiptoeing around probably wouldn't. The medbay was silent. Lex was letting it sink it. Bruce was right. Guilt, protective instincts, support, those were things he hadn't had for most of his life. It was a change of pace. New emotions welling up as he was forced into more human situations. But he couldn't let it hinder his progress. Couldn't shy away from those feelings and shut down. He was Luthor, he fought and grit his teeth and survived anything. He could survive these new connections to humanity that both bound and freed him. He could survive the impact of the fall from his ivory tower. He could let himself feel things. Let them wash over him, leave him broken but then pick up the pieces. Fight. He could fix his mistakes by moving forward.

Bruce let him simply sit there in silence. Pointedly ignored that Lex's breathing was slightly uneven. It was a kind gesture. Lex wasn't used to long silences. Always a showman, demanding attention and ego and dramatic speeches. But this he needed to ponder and process. And Batman of all people understood how much silence was sometimes necessary.

“That's an interesting life philosophy.” Lex finally broke the silence. “Though, I'm surprised to see Batman of all people lecturing me on how to handle guilt.”

Bruce gave a little half-smile. “I've had plenty of time to wrestle with mine.”

Lex stood up sharply, eager to remove himself from this scene. He could let himself feel things but not yet. He wasn't quite ready yet. Into that tiny box once again. Let them out slowly, in private. To let himself be weak without onlookers. Now that he was in his right mind, he could already feel the shame setting in. Before he could come up with some excuse, Bruce's hand was on his shoulder again. “You're on our team now. If you don't keep your head on straight, you can't help us effectively. If you need to talk...”

A cruel laugh, making up for his earlier weakness. “As appealing as therapy with Batman sounds, Bruce, I'm fine. I don't need your help.”

Bruce gripped harder. “It took me a while to learn to work in a team. To trust others. Our situations aren't the same. You have far more to make up for. But you are on this team now. Talking to us would be a good way to show that you're on our side.”

“I could be using this as a trick. Some long game to get inside all of your heads.” Lex countered, shaking the hand off.

“You might be. Don't think I don't have plans. But you're on the team now. So talk. Take advantage of the team.”

Lex's expression didn't change, but his voice grew a bit less harsh. "Thank you for the offer. I'll let you know if I feel like talking about all my terrible Freudian reasons for killing innocent people. Supervillain, remember?" The bristling and pushing away any offers of help was reflexive at this point. That scared kid again, waiting for any attempts at help to abandon him and leave him on his own. The ultimate self made man.

"You know where to find me if you need to talk." Bruce offered again. A simple standing of ground. "If it's your ego you're worried about, I'm a founding member. It's my job to help look out for new recruits when they get stressed. Besides, it's either me or Superman coming to hunt you down to check on you." He smirked and crossed his arms.

Lex enjoyed it, Bruce being stubborn against Lex's own stubborn nature. They clashed as well as they helped each other. Or rather, Bruce was offering to help Lex adjust to heroics. "Fine. I'll track you down next time I'm having a bad dream." He smirked but it had _finally_ hit home. He'd go to Bruce next time he needed to talk. That was actually... reasonable.

"For the record you haven't been a villain for seven months now. Not since you joined the League and took the oath. I told you before: Keep working with the team. Even when it gets rough. This was hard on all of us. It always is."


End file.
